Religious Funnies

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast
as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she
ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear
Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she
once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late!...But don't shove me either."
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One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me
down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die
before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
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A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy
and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to
you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
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A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear
God, thank you for these pancakes. When he concluded, his
parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they
were having chicken.
The five-year old smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He
was paying attention."
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Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a
while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought
it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you
not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny.
"I asked Him to help you put up with me."
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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure
they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know,
I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss
for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and
asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you
still in there?!"
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As
she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your
sin...).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a
scripture to you." Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said
she had an AXE and two 38's!"