The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're
blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the
bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of
everyone in court.

"Men and Women"

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't
expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for
two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.