Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one was sure who I was or wasn't. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer or ice cream during the
tasting, so I accepted. Sporting my new cowboy hat we proceeded.

Here are the scorecards from the event...

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
and a bucket of ice cream when they saw the look on my exploding face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have snorted liquid Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Someone pounded me on the back so hard my backbone is in the front part of my chest and I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something blister my tongue, but was unable to taste it between scoops of ice cream.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Chicken Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. The cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me started coughing. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. While I was sucking on the ice cream dispenser, it really choked me up that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. F-N Rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. I really need to go into the restroom and wipe my ass with a snow cone to cool off my anus!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I am a bit concerned about Judge Three. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is speaking uncontrollably
in silence.